Run 1575
Montrose Railway Station
Hares :- Cockatool and Leeky Willie
Well if the events of the preceding evening were anything to go by , this was going to be an incident packed run.
The Montrose 10
Saturday evening saw a gathering in Montrose of those of us too lazy to get up early enough on Sunday to get there for 10.45. In no particular order , we had crammed into Cockatool's pokey little (17 room , 3 storey) flat :-
Cockatool himself
Leeky Willie
Little Shit
Bruce Almighty
Skinny Witch
And Fireflaps.
The Montrose 3
As the evening progressed it became clear that Fireflaps, Leeky and the young Cock himself had a marginally different agenda from the rest of us present. You kinda had to be there, but suffice to say that the sight of Cockatool hoovering jelly into his dry Vax ; mixing it with all the dust , fluff , hair etc already in there was one which will live long in the memory. As will the hair- gel(ly) effect modelled by said jolly jelly threesome and Little Shit too.
The Montrose 2
Despite several attempts by many of us at making the evening last forever , morning eventually broke to find Cockatool himself also temporarily broken. This was as a result of Leeky and 'Flaps well intentioned re-positioning of all dangerous objects at a safer height for toddlers . ( Note to would be parents - ceiling height is very safe for both carrots and condiments ).
The Montrose 1
Finally , just before we departed for the run, Leeky ran a sweep to see which of us could predict the number of AH3 Hashers who would join us at the Station. And here began a day , which although dominated by Cockatool's run itself , had elements of The Leekster's antics shot through the whole proceedings , like the wobbly lettering in a stick of Seaside Rock .

Well , 13 others turned up , meaning 23 AH3 runners in total . So I won the sweep fair and square. Pedants will doubtless point to the fact that Cockatool's flatmate also put in an appearance , but :-

  1. He's not AH3(yet anyway);and
  2. He arrived after the count was completed , thereby rendering himself illegitimate from inclusion in the democratic proceedings.

Naturally I celebrated by volunteering to be Scribe. Some will say that my hand was raised only to swat away an uninvited wasp entrant to the (mainly) human gathering ; but to those of you who would place this entirely fictitious spin on the clear facts of the case , I say only this . Some of us know the true meanings of the words “service” , “duty” and “honour” in modern day Hashing.
50 Run t-shirt awarded to new GM Ballerina and 150 for Toy-Boy Tom.
Pre-run down downs to them too.
Then began a somewhat unusual day for AH3.
First , some of our members racked up a fine of approx. £10,000 from the railway authorities ; before Adolf Stationmaster prevented the rest of us of us from crossing his special white line . This was despite a finely constructed argument from Leeky to the effect that we hadn't been planning to cross the line; merely to run perpendicular to it , in order to reach the safety of the rocks. However this didn't take the game into extra time and when the whistle blew it was still Adolf Stationmaster 1- Leeky 0.
Cockatool to the rescue , showed us the alternative way forward . There's always a way around a jobsworth. This one took us about half a mile around Adolf. So over the distant footbridge it was , for us to join up with the trail again.
Well , let the aimless meandering begin!
With the notable exception of Cinders , there appeared to be a general reluctance to actually run. This was of course partly inspired by major hangovers amongst the Montrose 10 / 3 / 2 / 1, but also due to the fact that there were on-run down-downs to be found. No-one was going to be rushing past those in a hurry.
So with Gay Gordon providing the eye-candy and myself the musical accompaniment , we began to meander en-masse through parts of the town , to what may well have been the consternation of the local population. Outside Lidl , someone had apparently fled before us , leaving a carrier bag for me to scoop up as a selfless act of litter collection. Imagine my surprise to find a fine new pair of black socks and an unopened bottle of mineral water where I'd expected to find only some discarded sweetie wrappers in the bag. Much like Christmas on the old Leith farmstead in years gone bye .
A few short yards further on and some old codger was so confused by our appearance at the roadside that he stopped his car on the green-light and moved forward only when it turned red . This alarmed Skinny somewhat - as she was on the crossing in front of him when he made his mistake. Just for the barest moment I thought that all those life insurance premiums were going to come good. But she was too quick on her feet for the pay-out to arrive.
Onward , around the BMX track , beyond some worried looking dog walkers and over the disused airfield . Taking full advantage of the acres of long , flat straight available , the pack picked up speed somewhat. Soon , we were thundering along at what must have been - oh , nearly walking pace . However that burst of enthusiasm was soon dampened by the sudden appearance of a large sand-dune in front of us. This also coincided with a complete loss of trail.
Soon we were back at a land speed which saw us struggling to overtake a jellyfish at the beach. And it was dead on the sand . Nevertheless , the additional bunching of the pack caused by our sluggish pace afforded Gay Gordon the opportunity to disappear into the crowd before , moments later , exploding forth to pounce on the hapless Cockatool and dump him in a sea pool . All recent victims of the Cock's fondness for shiggy throwing viewed this as a generally positive development . But it came at cost . By the end of the skirmish , a sufficient quantity of flour had found it's way onto Gordon's head that he looked like an advert for Gay Grandad Porn . Or a Honda rider .
Shortly afterwards we came upon the sad sight of a broken- down Bruce Almighty by the side of the road . But Aids The Rescue Truck was at hand to save the day , so like the deeply caring friends we are , the rest of us all buggered off in search of the end of the run and left him to it .
Now ... well ... ... the end of the run ... ... ...
That was something a bit unusual too. You see , right at the moment when it became clear that the search for any flour beyond Gay Gordon's hair had become a pointless activity , Cockatool possibly should have herded the (lost) pack in the direction of the beer check . But he didn't bother . So , with the notable exception of Pig Iron ( who probably never made it more than 400m from base anyway ) every single one of the Montrose 23 (24 including the non- AH3 flatmate ) found themselves playing out the final chase scene from every episode of Benny Hill.
Cue the saxaphone music ... ... ...
Front gate.
Front door.
Front gate.
Car Park.
Front gate.
Sheds, but with the wrong keys.
Sheds, but with the wrong keys again.
Front gate.
And then ; out of the sun , a stranger with a Tesco trolley full of beer trundled down the street to save the day. Maybe a pity we didn't get to it at the picturesque harbour-side setting intended , but to us , at the moment of his arrival , Cockatool looked even prettier than the Montrose basin .
... ... Garden again. This time for the Circle. And Leeky's Flotsam & Jetsam Olympics.
In no particular order, Down Downs awarded by new RA Cockatool to :-
Pig Iron , for finding the beer check. Truly this Highlander IS the only one.
Little Shit , for his Jelly inspired " Adrian from The Young Ones " hairstyle.
Myself , for telling the world's funniest joke - ever.
Gay Gordon (this one from The Leekster) , for Paralympic bravery in the face of a truly life threatening scratch. We bikers are REAL tough cookies .
Bruce Almighty , for his bravery in the face of a (clearly) multiply broken ankle .
Little Shit again , Gay Gordon again, Sharnie and 'Flaps for their outstanding Yorkshireness on the day.
Cockatool (again from Leekie ) , for losing his tool.
Red Stripe , for finding a tool . Ooer missus .
Cockatool from Bruce , for losing his cool after Leeky and 'Flaps early morning child safety initiative.
Little Shit again , for missing his on-run-Down-Down.
Barbarella , for pouring an extra beer. Don't let this man count your change.
And the Hares , for setting a truly "interesting" run !
Special thanks to Cockatool for opening up his home to the marauding masses for the weekend and for his outstanding hospitality throughout .
On On.

Run information for this scribe:
Run Number: 1575
Date: Sunday 23rd of September 2012 10:45AM

Hare: Cockatool & Leeky Willie
OnOn: Somerfield carpark, by Montrose Train Station. Catch the 09:47 train from Aberdeen station.
The start time for the run has been brought forward to 10:45 to fit in with train times. The theme for the run will be Yorkshire so come in a Yorkshire theme - prizes will be given for the best dressed! After the run food and drink will be offered at Cockatools and those wishing to crash on sunday evening are more than welcome.
OnInn: Cockatools house - 56 High street, Montrose (Above British Heart Foundation)
In order to get a grasp of numbers please could you indicate your attendance to Cockatool ( so that appropriate levels of food and booze can be purchased.
Extra Info: Night Before: The plan is to have a pre run party starting at 5pm on the Saturday to welcome in the new committee and also ensure that the first proper circle has plenty of gossip! For those wishing to partake in the evenings frivolities, crash space will be provided and I wont be happy unless I have one hasher per 5 square meters (and I have 300 square meters to fill - I'll let you do the maths!) I will be able to provide two double beds, a single bed, two double bed settees, at least one double blow up bed, four crash sofas and two baths for the boring people who go to bed early but there will be plenty of floor space for everyone else so bring a sleeping bag and any other items you wish to sleep with - that includes partners and teddys! Food will be provided but if people would like to bring any of there specialities they will be gratefully accepted (just drop me an email if you intend to do this so we don't overstock - don't want to upset AIDs and Cinders!). Some basic booze will be provided but if you could bring your own booze it would be appreciated (there's a tesco and co-op 2 minutes walk from the house for those wishing to buy on the day). There will then a party like it's 1999!

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